As I have been taking care of my ailing grandmother, I have known no pain. This is extraordinary given that pain is typically my constant companion. My mother and I spent last night desperately trying to comfort Grandma in anyway that we could. We rubbed her back, neck and feet. Gave her the tiniest sips of water. She is holding on even though heaven is pulling at her very strongly. She does not lack the faith to pass on, she merely lacks the permission from all of her loved ones.
If they could spend 24 hours a day with her they would know what considerable pain that she is in, they would surely join me in prayer and plead with Heavenly Father to take her into his arms.
She has served him will all of her might mind and strength since she was a little girl. Her faith has never wavered. As my mom Sara puts it, “she gets it,” she is not afraid. Well perhaps that it is a bit too strong, for she does fear just enough to tarry with us a little longer.
From this, I can see the Lord’s hand in everything. I can see how waiting for death is the perfect test of patience in faith, not only in the afflicted but for the caregiver as well. I have never regretted a moment spent with my Grandmother. Better still I possess little regret in regards to not spending time with them. I feel blessed enough to say that I have taken the time to really get to know my Grandma. She is so much more than my mother’s mother is, she is one of my closest confidants, my dearest friend. We could giggle about high-heeled red shoes and the perfect outfit. Or simply sit beside one another staring at a beautiful sunset. I will always take with me the lessons that my dear Grandma has taught me. She has taught me how to do laundry, how to work on genealogy, and that the perfect outfit starts with the perfect shoe, and not the other way around. I am so excited for her to go to Heaven. Not only will she be free from the pain of this world. There she can watch over my future children until they can enter in my home. She will hold them, kiss them, and get them so excited for their future lives on Earth. How blessed I feel to know exactly where she is going, and to know how it will be there. I am a firm believer that in Heaven, family as well as those whose genealogy that we have performed will greet us. As such, this faithful genealogist will have an exceptionally large welcoming committee, greeting her with open arms and loving kisses. I can tell how much she longs to be there with them. Not only will she be joining her friends, parents and siblings, her dear son Norman is already there, waiting for her. We have been able to chuckle these last few days as we talk of how she has so many friends on both sides.
The other night I gained a lot of insight on pain and suffering. I helped the hospice nurse bathe and dress her. The smallest movements left her in bitter agony. As gently as we could we adjusted her age and cancer ravaged body. When we went to rotate her she cried out in intense pain, as she cried “Noooo” my heart broke. I wanted so badly to take her pain upon me. Yet there was nothing I could do. I knew that rotating her is what is best for and so I held her tight as she cried out. Although I tried, my best to suppress them tears welled up in my eyes. My mind began to think of my Heavenly Father. For he too had to watch his son bear all the worlds pain and sorrows. Even though his son was in the deepest agony, he did not stop it because he knew it was for the best. I now know that even knowing this did not make it any easier. It is still so hard to see someone you love suffer.
In my own life I have put my loved ones in the position of having to watch me suffer. My own health conditions leave me in chronic pain. One of which is improved through painful treatments administered by the hands of the willing and un-squeamish. They are required to press their thumbs or knuckles deep into my scalp in order to break up the scar tissue that is all over my skull and neck. Even though it puts me in pain, they cannot stop, even if I shed tears. I know feel so bad for them, for I know understand the excruciating pain involved inflicting pain on a loved one, even if you know that it is for their own good.
Last night will not soon be erased from my memory. After dressing my grandmother for bed I propped myself up on the couch beside her bed. We snuggled until she drifted of to sleep. For about two hours, the two of us rotated who was sleeping. Her pain returned and sleep began to escape us. My mother joined us and we attempted to soothe her as best we could. For ours we attempted to comfort her by rubbing her aching body and applying hydrocortisone to her skin. The itching got so bad that she would have scratched her skin right off had her strength permitted her to do so. When nothing we could do eased her suffering, I quietly left to go shopping at 3 am. Wal-mart employees put up with me as I went to go buy some Arthritis crème. I returned at 4 pm and by 6am all three lovely Spencer girls were able to retire for a bit and receive much needed rest. I was fortunate enough to sleep for two more hours.
This beautiful New Years Eve has been heaven sent. Grandma finally drifted off to sleep, and although it has been on and off, she has been able to rest quite peacefully ever since 8 am. Now my grandpa and I sit here watching this beautiful daughter of God as she waits to return to her maker and Savior. Soft Christmas hymns play reverently in the background, calming our wearied minds. Due to the generosity of our loving Heavenly Father, I can sit here on the floor and type without a lot of discomfort. Even though I did not receive more than 3 hours of sleep, I sit here as rested and peaceful as can be. My pain is greatly decreased that I may serve my Grandparents in any way that I can.
