Sunday, February 10, 2008

This week dozens of companies made their way to the Utah Valley for BYU’s biannual career fair, each looking for potential employees. I carefully prepared my resume, in anticipation to attend the fair. I researched various companies to gain an idea of which companies I would like to meet with. As any overly vanity obsessed girl would, I spent obscenely too long selecting the appropriate outfit for the event.
Once at the career fair I met walked around and was once again generally uninterested in working for almost all of the companies in attendance at the job fair. I literally was walking by the New York Life Insurance and basically their recruiter ends up trying to get me to interview for an internship in their Human Resource department in New York City. I have always wanted to go to New York City. The entire rest of the day I got so excited just thinking about it. Yet as the week went on my mind began to change. I gave my presentations for the Cougareat. Basically I spent four hours giving highly enlightening meetings on customer service. (This was actually really really fun because I am a geek like that)

This morning walking in the beautiful snow I came the conclusion that I will not be going to New York City. As of right now, what makes me happy is working as the Training Director of the Cougareat. I love my boss, I love my fellow Student Managers and I love my employees. I love our customers. I seriously think that I have such an amazing job. I LOVE HELPING PEOPLE. I am well aware that there are so many places to help people. But I feel that for the time being I can help people where I am, and I can help them while doing a job that I absolutely love.)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
My job may stress me out, drive me bonkers, and pay me peanuts. However, for better or for worse, I love what I do. I am happy where I am. This summer I am staying where I am. I am going to stay at the Cougareat and work on making it an amazing place to work for other people for years and years to come. I know that the place has issues, but every job does. I am the oldest of six kids, I am working towards making this a place where my siblings may be employed in the future or where they may come eat when they come for EFY.
Basically I have learned an important lesson on happiness. Happiness is not making 100,000 dollars a year. It is about doing what you love to do even if it means pinching pennies in order to be able to make ends meet. I also believe that happiness is something that we have to take the time to notice, otherwise we may be experiencing it and never even notice. Life is beautiful. God is in charge. He is so wonderful. He is blesses me every minute of every day.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Reflections of my grandmother

As I have been taking care of my ailing grandmother, I have known no pain. This is extraordinary given that pain is typically my constant companion. My mother and I spent last night desperately trying to comfort Grandma in anyway that we could. We rubbed her back, neck and feet. Gave her the tiniest sips of water. She is holding on even though heaven is pulling at her very strongly. She does not lack the faith to pass on, she merely lacks the permission from all of her loved ones.

If they could spend 24 hours a day with her they would know what considerable pain that she is in, they would surely join me in prayer and plead with Heavenly Father to take her into his arms.

She has served him will all of her might mind and strength since she was a little girl. Her faith has never wavered. As my mom Sara puts it, “she gets it,” she is not afraid. Well perhaps that it is a bit too strong, for she does fear just enough to tarry with us a little longer.

From this, I can see the Lord’s hand in everything. I can see how waiting for death is the perfect test of patience in faith, not only in the afflicted but for the caregiver as well. I have never regretted a moment spent with my Grandmother. Better still I possess little regret in regards to not spending time with them. I feel blessed enough to say that I have taken the time to really get to know my Grandma. She is so much more than my mother’s mother is, she is one of my closest confidants, my dearest friend. We could giggle about high-heeled red shoes and the perfect outfit. Or simply sit beside one another staring at a beautiful sunset. I will always take with me the lessons that my dear Grandma has taught me. She has taught me how to do laundry, how to work on genealogy, and that the perfect outfit starts with the perfect shoe, and not the other way around. I am so excited for her to go to Heaven. Not only will she be free from the pain of this world. There she can watch over my future children until they can enter in my home. She will hold them, kiss them, and get them so excited for their future lives on Earth. How blessed I feel to know exactly where she is going, and to know how it will be there. I am a firm believer that in Heaven, family as well as those whose genealogy that we have performed will greet us. As such, this faithful genealogist will have an exceptionally large welcoming committee, greeting her with open arms and loving kisses. I can tell how much she longs to be there with them. Not only will she be joining her friends, parents and siblings, her dear son Norman is already there, waiting for her. We have been able to chuckle these last few days as we talk of how she has so many friends on both sides.

The other night I gained a lot of insight on pain and suffering. I helped the hospice nurse bathe and dress her. The smallest movements left her in bitter agony. As gently as we could we adjusted her age and cancer ravaged body. When we went to rotate her she cried out in intense pain, as she cried “Noooo” my heart broke. I wanted so badly to take her pain upon me. Yet there was nothing I could do. I knew that rotating her is what is best for and so I held her tight as she cried out. Although I tried, my best to suppress them tears welled up in my eyes. My mind began to think of my Heavenly Father. For he too had to watch his son bear all the worlds pain and sorrows. Even though his son was in the deepest agony, he did not stop it because he knew it was for the best. I now know that even knowing this did not make it any easier. It is still so hard to see someone you love suffer.

In my own life I have put my loved ones in the position of having to watch me suffer. My own health conditions leave me in chronic pain. One of which is improved through painful treatments administered by the hands of the willing and un-squeamish. They are required to press their thumbs or knuckles deep into my scalp in order to break up the scar tissue that is all over my skull and neck. Even though it puts me in pain, they cannot stop, even if I shed tears. I know feel so bad for them, for I know understand the excruciating pain involved inflicting pain on a loved one, even if you know that it is for their own good.

Last night will not soon be erased from my memory. After dressing my grandmother for bed I propped myself up on the couch beside her bed. We snuggled until she drifted of to sleep. For about two hours, the two of us rotated who was sleeping. Her pain returned and sleep began to escape us. My mother joined us and we attempted to soothe her as best we could. For ours we attempted to comfort her by rubbing her aching body and applying hydrocortisone to her skin. The itching got so bad that she would have scratched her skin right off had her strength permitted her to do so. When nothing we could do eased her suffering, I quietly left to go shopping at 3 am. Wal-mart employees put up with me as I went to go buy some Arthritis crème. I returned at 4 pm and by 6am all three lovely Spencer girls were able to retire for a bit and receive much needed rest. I was fortunate enough to sleep for two more hours.

This beautiful New Years Eve has been heaven sent. Grandma finally drifted off to sleep, and although it has been on and off, she has been able to rest quite peacefully ever since 8 am. Now my grandpa and I sit here watching this beautiful daughter of God as she waits to return to her maker and Savior. Soft Christmas hymns play reverently in the background, calming our wearied minds. Due to the generosity of our loving Heavenly Father, I can sit here on the floor and type without a lot of discomfort. Even though I did not receive more than 3 hours of sleep, I sit here as rested and peaceful as can be. My pain is greatly decreased that I may serve my Grandparents in any way that I can.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Long Day

Every have one of those days that is so full of activity that you begin to wonder if you survive. I had a day like that but surprisingly it went much better than expected. While I would like to have interviewed today (as opposed to Wednesday) I will be all right. Likewise I found out that I have too take a test on Wednesday that I had completely forgotten. This will be taken directly after I have studied for and taken my math test. Oh my goodness the whole thing is ridiculous. Anyhow, there are far worse problems to have to be dealing with.

I did however learn today that I have amazing friends. People came out of the woodwork to wish me well, and try to bring a smile to my tired and stressed out face. Basically I am feeling very loved. I also sold my housing contract, and so I am now looking for a place to move into. Oh man I have to decide this right away.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

1 am musings

As of 59 minutes ago another beautiful Sabbath began. I cannot help but be giddy every time I gaze out the window. I see the six inch blanket of snow and just smile. Today a friend and I tried to describe the mood that snow creates. The words I came up with were reverent and serene.
Everyday the world is hurried and filled with stress, worry, and just lots of noise. But not today. Today I just enjoyed the snow, learning and wonderful company.
I also enjoyed a bit of theatre. I was fortunate enough to get to see BYU perform Little Women the musical. Its cheesiness sometimes created a bit of uneasiness, but as a whole I adored the performance.
I realize that I probably should retire to bed so that I may rise again to enjoy this beautiful day.

Friday, December 7, 2007


I need to write to clear my head

I need to write to get my thoughts in order

I need to write before I burst into tears

My fingers yearn to type out the words of my full and frustrated heart

There are other things I need to do to occupy these precious moments

Responsibilities sit beside me in piles up to my ears

But still I need to write

I need to write

I need to write to keep from crying

I need to write so that I can move on

Perhaps I think that in writing I will be able to decide what it is that I am thinking

Perhaps I just want to write because I do not have someone to listen

Perhaps it is just too hard for me too tell someone how I feel

Perhaps I fear their judgment

Yet I need to write my story

I need to write about my week of smiles, my week of tears, my week of trials

I need to tell someone the thoughts which my spoken words cannot express

I need to write until I can say what I actually need to say

It is odd how I feel better

It is odd because there is not really anything that I have actually said

It is odd because I am not a writer

I rarely feel the need to vent the feelings of my heart and mind on a computer screen

I rarely feel like writing because I worry that it will sound mundane

And still I write

I write

I write

I write

Still not saying anything at all